I don’t know what I’m going to do.
Today I went to Uncle Ed’s in Battle Creek cause the employees told me that they were hiring there and I was really excited about working there. Actually, I’d be excited about any place that could pay me enough to live off of, which Jimmy Johns does not, but I was especially excited because I thought that I could do it. I could get up every morning, grab my coffee, get dressed in that jumpsuit and change some fuckin oil really fuckin fast. I could do that.
As I was being interviewed, they guys at Uncle Ed’s are like “Why aren’t you looking for a job in art? Why aren’t you thinking about going back to school?”
And the thing is, I’m just not ready and good enough to compete with my peers. And that is okay. I’m aware that I need practice, and I can practice while I work a job that is unrelated to my ultimate goals. The job can even provide me with experience to inform my art.
But they told me not to sell myself short. I guess that’s nice to know.
Every day my dad asks me for more and more money. Every day. This is often before or in place of “How was your day” or “Hello” or “I love you son” or “It’s nice to see you”. He bought a car for me when my other one died, without asking me if I could pay him for it, and he’s been expecting me to also pay the car insurance and to pay the car payment and to pay for oil changes and to pay for my own fuel.
While these seem like very reasonable things to do, and I feel as though I should be able to do them, I cannot. I make exactly 235 dollars every paycheck from Jimmy Johns. Just 235. That’s enough for my cellphone and gas for the week usually. I am expected to go to class. I am expected to go to work. I am expected to pay my dad what I owe him. While I am fine with all of these things, there is nothing I can do in the current locus of my control to meet these demands. There is no amount of hard work or smarts that I can use to rally the funds. I can’t even sell my own blood for money cause I’m gay. I can’t even change oil for a living apparently because someone else decided that I can’t change oil for a living.
I don’t know what to do you guys. I really really really feel a sort of despair that I don’t understand and it scares me. I just want to not owe people money and I don’t want to be a burden on people anymore. That’s what I would really like.
Can anyone help me?